A new path!

 Over the last few weeks I have recovered from being lost to feeling confident my path is secure and strong. With renewal in our home and in my community service new comforting opportunities have been put before me. With newly painted walls and new flooring in our home and my new professional hobby I feel like I am on the right path again. As my health issues are being managed and monitored I can now focus on living my life in a way that is enjoyable and supportive for me and my family. 

Watching it fall apart. Praying for direction.

Being unable to control whats happening to my body is frustrating on so many levels. From years or patching up the injuries the pain returns only when I try to use my body and mind for prolonged periods of time. Feeling like a lamp

Post in my home that gets turned on and off only when needed. 

I find myself uninterested in much of the norm and striving to break out and do more. But my body can not keep up. Those arround me know my pains but they grow tired of my lack of ability to do more. 

I have never been one to sit idle until forced to by my injuries. So I refuse to accept or acknowledge my lack of ability and instead I push myself hard to try to regain the active life I once had. Trying to be accepted by my peers only to have them see my body fail me. The brain can no longer handle the stress of elevated blood pressure when I exert myself. It only feels dizzy and cloudy and the lights start to go out. So far I have only fallen once. But I have nearly blacked out on a dozen occasions in the last few weeks. I cry out to my wife, my family and my Doctor. The response is the same from all.  You need to slow down. Rest. How can I do that? It's not who I am! 

I see relationships starting to fall apart as fast as my health. 

I'm watching any chance to live a better life disappear. I feel like Im in the way. Maybe its time for me to set those relationships and hopes free? Maybe I need to walk my own path on my own? 

Tonight I pray God takes control of my destiny until I can see the path he wants me to walk.