A new path!

 Over the last few weeks I have recovered from being lost to feeling confident my path is secure and strong. With renewal in our home and in my community service new comforting opportunities have been put before me. With newly painted walls and new flooring in our home and my new professional hobby I feel like I am on the right path again. As my health issues are being managed and monitored I can now focus on living my life in a way that is enjoyable and supportive for me and my family. 

Watching it fall apart. Praying for direction.

Being unable to control whats happening to my body is frustrating on so many levels. From years or patching up the injuries the pain returns only when I try to use my body and mind for prolonged periods of time. Feeling like a lamp

Post in my home that gets turned on and off only when needed. 

I find myself uninterested in much of the norm and striving to break out and do more. But my body can not keep up. Those arround me know my pains but they grow tired of my lack of ability to do more. 

I have never been one to sit idle until forced to by my injuries. So I refuse to accept or acknowledge my lack of ability and instead I push myself hard to try to regain the active life I once had. Trying to be accepted by my peers only to have them see my body fail me. The brain can no longer handle the stress of elevated blood pressure when I exert myself. It only feels dizzy and cloudy and the lights start to go out. So far I have only fallen once. But I have nearly blacked out on a dozen occasions in the last few weeks. I cry out to my wife, my family and my Doctor. The response is the same from all.  You need to slow down. Rest. How can I do that? It's not who I am! 

I see relationships starting to fall apart as fast as my health. 

I'm watching any chance to live a better life disappear. I feel like Im in the way. Maybe its time for me to set those relationships and hopes free? Maybe I need to walk my own path on my own? 

Tonight I pray God takes control of my destiny until I can see the path he wants me to walk. 

It never ends

It never ends. 1 day I go out for a lovely walk with the wife and our new pet Riot. The next a day shopping with the kids. All of a sudden without notice I colapse in a parking lot. My wife and children all witness this event. I'm sure it scared them. As they help me back to my feet I am dizzy and embarrased. I call my Doctor and of course his office is closed on Fridays. So I go to the ER just to make sure I am ok. They take my vitals. Bp is good. Pulse elevated but I am stable. The EKG looks good. A cat scan is performed Followed by a blood test. After a hr waiting for results I felt it was safe to say Im ok. If not Im guessing I would be chatting with a Doctor by now. I am told it may take as much as six hours to get my results. So I reply you have my phone number? The nurse says yes. I said call me if I'm going to die. Im going home to rest. I was shocked by the reply. She said I will call u if anything bad is discovered and my results will be sent to my Doctor. So home I went and I rested. I never did get a call from the nurse. So I guess I'm going to live. And that people is how great are new medical system works. If u stay at the hospital for 6 hours  your at risk of getting sick from all the flu patients. Maybe we would all be better off if we just don't bother going to the hospital when we are having health issues? Just stay home and rest and pray. 

It never ends.

Life has had its challenges over the last 10 1/2 years. Especially for the many like myself who suffer from physical health issues and the desire to be productive. 

In my past I have enjoyed a career in public service in both the government and private sector. Unfortunately this career was cut short by a drunk driver. 

I was forced to struggle with accepting retirement on my 38th birthday. I have attempted to return to work on a few occasions as a consultant in areas of which I was experienced before the crash. In each attempt I found myself in much pain through the process and often re injuring myself to the point it required physical therapy or reconstructive surgeries. 

Being challenged with health issues and overcoming them one at a time with faith has been my life goal. I have had my wins and I have had losses. Overall I have been blessed with the courage and desire to drive on in my quest. 

Unable to maintain long term physical commitments is challenging in and of itself. But when able I enjoy bringing awareness thru advocacy, testimony, consultation and or community service. Those who know me understand my words. 

The bottom line for me is that a person should not be penalized for trying. And yet that is what occurs. I am now embarking on what feels like my hundredth journey with an unknown outcome. A journey to heal and better manage my health again. I have been blessed with excellent medical care through it all. However the care and treatments that have been of much relief recently have now started to fail once again. 

I spend much of my nights awake reading and writing to take my mind off my pains and discomforts. I avoid taking medications that would alter my ability to function during the day. Of course I take my nap during the day to make up for my lost sleep at night. 

So why do I write this now? I guess because I'm awake and its 3am and it feels good to share. I hope some day someone reads this blog so they may better understand how I feel and what I have been going through. 

The perfect storm

There comes a time in a mans life when he can see through the bullshit. He understands his accomplishments and his failures. He does not make excuses. He simply learns to accept life experiences for what they are. Doing this builds a mental database known as wisdom. A Man can stand on his own merit and not be concerned by others views or opinions. Learning to accept that not all people think alike or reason alike is hard to do. In the end there comes a point that it must be accepted. 

Distracted by others needs is healing.

Sitting by my wife's side while some of her relatives and our friends relatives cry for help after Typhon Haiyan devistated the homes and lives of hundreds of Thousands in the Philippines. Together we gathered many of our friends through the Bayanihan Association of Northern California to help raise monies to help as many as possible. 

Throughout this event I have been blessed with energy to help. But being distracted by this event caused me to fail to care for myself. I was feeling my strongest since my accident. Motivated as well. Inspired too. However I had forgotten to care for myself. After forgetting to take my meds a few evenings I found myself waking up in more pain and having difficulties while eating. Thankfully my wife reminded me of my limitations. I was taking too many physical risks. Emotions and adrenaline drove me to do more than I should

Helping my wife and friends was very healing to me in its own way. If only that feeling could last forever. Driven by faith I got through it all. 

 

Once upon a time...

 

I remember a time of wealth, health and prosparity. A time of giving and receiving. A time of serving. But that was many years ago. Today I reflect on those times to take my mind away from current hardships. For years I have suffered from a strange painful awakening in my sleep. And recently it has become so intense I have decided to share it with you. Imagine going to sleep. Unable to find the best position of comfort but eventually you do and you fall into a deep sleep. After a hr or three hours you awaken. You are short of breath. Pain of pressure on your chest and your entire body is in pain and you are confused. Slowly you come out of this terrifying experience. You want to go back to sleep but you know if you do this will happen again a few more times before morning. So you stay awake, write and read until you fall asleep again. Only to wake up and go through this same experience again. 

I have been thru a sleep study and told I do not have sleep Apnea. My symptoms may be nothing more than panic attacks or anxiety. My personal life is simple and happy. My exposure to stressful situations are minimal. Whatever the cause of these events, I am determined to over come them so once again I can live that once upon a time life.