It never ends.

Life has had its challenges over the last 10 1/2 years. Especially for the many like myself who suffer from physical health issues and the desire to be productive. 

In my past I have enjoyed a career in public service in both the government and private sector. Unfortunately this career was cut short by a drunk driver. 

I was forced to struggle with accepting retirement on my 38th birthday. I have attempted to return to work on a few occasions as a consultant in areas of which I was experienced before the crash. In each attempt I found myself in much pain through the process and often re injuring myself to the point it required physical therapy or reconstructive surgeries. 

Being challenged with health issues and overcoming them one at a time with faith has been my life goal. I have had my wins and I have had losses. Overall I have been blessed with the courage and desire to drive on in my quest. 

Unable to maintain long term physical commitments is challenging in and of itself. But when able I enjoy bringing awareness thru advocacy, testimony, consultation and or community service. Those who know me understand my words. 

The bottom line for me is that a person should not be penalized for trying. And yet that is what occurs. I am now embarking on what feels like my hundredth journey with an unknown outcome. A journey to heal and better manage my health again. I have been blessed with excellent medical care through it all. However the care and treatments that have been of much relief recently have now started to fail once again. 

I spend much of my nights awake reading and writing to take my mind off my pains and discomforts. I avoid taking medications that would alter my ability to function during the day. Of course I take my nap during the day to make up for my lost sleep at night. 

So why do I write this now? I guess because I'm awake and its 3am and it feels good to share. I hope some day someone reads this blog so they may better understand how I feel and what I have been going through. 

The perfect storm

There comes a time in a mans life when he can see through the bullshit. He understands his accomplishments and his failures. He does not make excuses. He simply learns to accept life experiences for what they are. Doing this builds a mental database known as wisdom. A Man can stand on his own merit and not be concerned by others views or opinions. Learning to accept that not all people think alike or reason alike is hard to do. In the end there comes a point that it must be accepted. 

Distracted by others needs is healing.

Sitting by my wife's side while some of her relatives and our friends relatives cry for help after Typhon Haiyan devistated the homes and lives of hundreds of Thousands in the Philippines. Together we gathered many of our friends through the Bayanihan Association of Northern California to help raise monies to help as many as possible. 

Throughout this event I have been blessed with energy to help. But being distracted by this event caused me to fail to care for myself. I was feeling my strongest since my accident. Motivated as well. Inspired too. However I had forgotten to care for myself. After forgetting to take my meds a few evenings I found myself waking up in more pain and having difficulties while eating. Thankfully my wife reminded me of my limitations. I was taking too many physical risks. Emotions and adrenaline drove me to do more than I should

Helping my wife and friends was very healing to me in its own way. If only that feeling could last forever. Driven by faith I got through it all. 

 

Once upon a time...

 

I remember a time of wealth, health and prosparity. A time of giving and receiving. A time of serving. But that was many years ago. Today I reflect on those times to take my mind away from current hardships. For years I have suffered from a strange painful awakening in my sleep. And recently it has become so intense I have decided to share it with you. Imagine going to sleep. Unable to find the best position of comfort but eventually you do and you fall into a deep sleep. After a hr or three hours you awaken. You are short of breath. Pain of pressure on your chest and your entire body is in pain and you are confused. Slowly you come out of this terrifying experience. You want to go back to sleep but you know if you do this will happen again a few more times before morning. So you stay awake, write and read until you fall asleep again. Only to wake up and go through this same experience again. 

I have been thru a sleep study and told I do not have sleep Apnea. My symptoms may be nothing more than panic attacks or anxiety. My personal life is simple and happy. My exposure to stressful situations are minimal. Whatever the cause of these events, I am determined to over come them so once again I can live that once upon a time life. 

Believing.

I have been wondering what it means to me to believe? I guess if I did not believe in Jesus and his sacrifice I honestly dont think I would believe in much. If God was not in my life where would my moral compass be? So why do I believe? 

I was raised in the Lutheran Church. I went to Sunday School from Kindergarden to 7th grade. One Sunday morning I got into an arguments with my teacher in 7th grade. He scolded me for questioning the many stories from the bible. I was asking, How did God part the Sea and I used bad language. At this time I was being taught evolution  in public school. After my scolding I stopped my studies on Sunday. In 9th grade I returned to my Church and Joined the youth group on Wednesdays. That lasted a year. There were only a dozen of us in the group and 6 of us were good friends. The next thing I know is puberty happened and the party years had begun. 

The following Summer after 9th grade I joined a Nazarene Church Youth Group and a group called Young Life. It was after a year of these Wednesday youth group meetings and the occasional weekend camping trips and Young Life parties that I was awakened. I was at the Nazarene Church listening intently to the sermond about surrendering to Christ. Mind you nobody made me go to church. I went because I wanted to and there were a few cute girls I liked at Church. At this time I was torn between teenager mischief and the desire to know God more. For whatever reason I was instantly compelled to walk to the alter and kneel and pray that God forgive me for my sins. At that moment I felt the giant hands of God wrap my entire body and all my shame and guilt from anything I had ever done wrong was gone and I was filled with his love, comfort and joy. For the first time I was at complete peace in my heart, mind, body and soul. I cried tears of Joy before a full Church. I knew that moment Jesus was real and nothing could ever change that belief. I knew that moment whatever sin I had done or may do in the future that I was forgiven because he loved me so. Now as the next 5 years of my life came to pass I did make some bad decisions. But every time I did I was convicted by my faith. 

Eventually I matured and my life was on a positive track. 

So many times in my life did I face death. At partys, in cars, as a firefighter and as a Good Samaritan. In all those situations I know God protected me each and every time. Here I am now at age 49 and I ask myself, what if God does not exist? Then I say, why even ask such a stupid question when I know the answer is he does. I believe I challenge my own belief not to test God but to test my faith. To reconfirm to my flesh that I am a child of God. I can not argue with myself about the existence of God because he is in me at all times and that is why I believe. 

I think for each and every Christian the reason they believe in Christ is unique to them. Once you fully surrender to him there is no doubt he is real. It is a divine quickening that can not be denied or over ruled. I am so thankful he finds me worthy of loving. 

I work hard to remind myself to be a good Christian. It is not easy. It takes effort and a desire to want to please him. But as long as he loves me I will continue to believe in him.  I believe and know that will be for eternity. 

God has a special plan for all of his Children. Including you. I am here to share with others how Good he is and that he is real. I am here to share with you all that no matter how bad life may get sometimes that If you have God in you that your life will be forever changed for the better in ways that you can never imagine. 

4am pains

Morning pains return. As I have made every attempt to regain a quality of life with minimal pain, this morning I am reminded of the injuries I have. 

Waking up feeling short of breath and with my old injuries aches and pains returning motivates me to take action. I have noticed small clues recently that this was coming. In fact I have been planning to buy an adjustable bed to help my sleep and pain management by elevating my head a little and my leggs as needed at night. 

In the past I have been able to manage my pain through prayer, light impact exercise, diet and with medication as well as surgical intervention. 

In addition to my pains returning at night my night sweats and waking up short of breath have returned as well. 

My plan now is to ask God the father in prayer to free me from this discomfort. Of course God has blessed me with the ability to think so I think I will get a more comfortable adjustable bed to help me keep my head elevated at night. Trying to do this with the use of pillows alone at night has only caused my neck injury to hurt. 

Today I will shop for that bed that will offer me the comfort that I so badly need. 

My wish for The USA

If I could ask for a better life in the USA what would it require? I believe in freedom of speech. The very fact I can write this Blog is a form of that freedom we as US Citizens have. But more importantly the fact we are free to choose what we do and where we go is also a freedom we have that should not go ignored. So how do we protect the freedoms this country was founded on so they do not become extinct? I suggest we exercise all our freedoms as often as possible. Especially our freedom to communicate electronically, in print and verbally. If you feel that you will be persecuted for sharing your thoughts in this country you are correct. You may be audited by the IRS or profiled by a political party or ridiculed by those who do not agree with your views. Possibly accused of a crime for making an honest error in judgement. 

Whatever the case may be you must be strong and willing to fight to protect these God given freedoms you have or surely in time those freedoms will become memories of the past. This does not mean you should go out and pick a fight physically. This means to voice your concerns publicly and peacefully in a manner that promotes common sense thinking that is supported with reason and facts. So when I ask what would make this country better than it is today the answer is clearly this. We the people must continue to practice our freedoms responsibly and faithfully. This is our culture, our way of life and will provide for our security in a strong future as a free Nation under God! We must not take for granted the blood of Christ that was shed so we may be forgiven of our sins. Nor should we take for granted the blood shed by those who have fought and or died fighting to protect our God given freedoms. Let the blood that has already been shed be more than enough sacrifice to support our continued need to maintain the freedoms we have and let no man or woman stand between us and our God given freedoms. For we are a united people under God, indivisible with Liberty and Justice for all. Be ye of faith or not these values shall forever stand strong!

Progress

Without true surrender there can be no progress. In a healing walk of faith a new life is discovered. One that replaces the physical life we experience. One that can be shared within our physical life and that allows us to carry on into an eternal life.  To try and imagine what that means is bigger than we can comprehend fully. 

In my walk of faith two things must always be constant. 1. That I must faithfully learn to keep my mind on him in all I do.  2.  Know That I must read his word to know him more so I may walk a path that is not tainted with sin and is pleasing to him in a purposeful manner. Do these things and I shall be blessed by the fruits of the spirit with eternal Joy and Love. 

The Diet Continues

It has been nearly two weeks since Doug started his Diet. Oatmeal made with low fat milk and fruit for breakfast. A few crackers for brunch. Salads with Turkey or a little chicken and sunflower seeds for lunch. A small piece of Chocolate or plain cookie for afternoon snack. 8oz's of beef, fish or chicken with brown rice or apple sauce and veggies for dinner. Sugar free jello and just a little pop corn for desert. I drink water all day and an occasional Iced Tea with my lunch. Results of this diet is a total loss of 7lbs in just under 2 weeks. 

I started  to swim 1 Hr a day. Due to my shoulder injury I can not swim with both my arms so I float on my back and kick my legs best I can and do small strokes with my arms and hands by my side to gently glide me around the pool. As I can not run or jog on land I attempt to do it standing in 4 to 5 feet of water. It feels so good to be so light in the water and to jog in place. I don't get much cardio workout from this but I do get a good amount of stretching and its a good low impact work out for all the muscles in my arms, hands, legs and feet. 

Healthy eating

Sometimes we eat too much of the wrong stuff. Eating healthy foods is tasty and energetic. But some how that soda or ice cream or candy often find a way to the plate. By replacing soda with more water and enjoying the treats but reducing the portion size will hopefully improve energy and reduce existing weight. The time for a diet course correction is now. 

7 more weeks of PT

As healing time passes Doug's pain is now managed. Limitations have been accepted reluctantly. An improved quality of life has begun. Our boys are on track to graduate next year. Our Daughter is now able to drive herself to work. Things are looking up for this family's future. 

Patience

In all this time of healing patience has been hard to hold onto. The medicine that relieves most of my pain causes me to be sleepy or exhibit low energy

Faithfully I strive for a stronger body so I may live a life that offers me the opportunity to move forward in my walk of faith. 

A change of seasons

As the weather warms and the spring rains fall we prepare for our seasonal planting of vegetables. Within the next few weeks as soon as we have a cold freeze we will plant. At that time we will share pictures of the 2013 Garden.

Dolly time!

Dolly enjoyed playing in the snow in the Trinity Alps with all our kids for the first time this Winter.

The 10 year journey.

It started July 17th 2003 at Santa Rosa Memorial. July 27 2003 Kaiser Santa Rosa. Sept 2003 Kpac San Leandro. Sept and Oct 2003 Kaiser Hayward. Oct 2003 to Dec 2003 Vallejo Kaiser. December 2003 Petaluma Care and Rehab. Dec 2003 Jan 2004 Stanford Medical Center. March 2004 Sequoia Hospital. July and August 2004 Casa Colina Care and Rehab. Nov 2004 Waverly Surgery Center. Dec 2004 and Jan 05 Mercy hospital Redding. In Oct 2009 Soar Surgery Center.

There were many repeat surgical visits following the initial care received at several of these facilities over the last 10 years.

It is now nearly 10 years later and I am slowly recovering from my 23rd and 24th procedures I just had at Sequoia Hospital. Repairs that were made in 2003 and four were successful but required maintenance due to the fact the areas repaired have arthritis or degenerative joint, nerve or muscle injury issues. I feel like the Doctors put me back together best they could again. Now its my job to not abuse the repairs and make them last to reduce pain and provide for a quality of life that can be enjoyable. I truly have been blessed by God to have the care I have received and continue to receive.

Don't drink and drive!

Together through Christ we overcome

My wife and I returned home from the hospital today. The Day before my surgery my Doctor reminded me about how big a procedure mine would be. I told him I had been praying and that I prayed that the surgery not require the larger incision. My Doctor smiled and said ok. We will see. The next morning my Doctor said he spent some time that night trying to find a way he could get to the cyst without making the larger incision and he felt he found a way. The next day my bandages came off. It was then we discovered he did it without the big incision. The cyst was big but he was able to decompress it and remove it with only two smaller incisions. He has me doing follow up MRI's to make sure it does not grow back. My wife was very supportive throughout this experience. We prayed together before and our prayers were answered. To God be the glory. Amen.

Reunited last Summer

In mid Summer 2012 Dolly traveled back to her home in the Philippines. Located on the Southern Island ( Mindanao ) in the community called Matanao. Dolly returned to be reunited with her 3 children. Daphne, Daryll and Dee Jay. After spending a few weeks with many relatives and friends Dolly and the Children made the journey to SFO and then to Redding to live together as a family for the first time in nearly 10 years.

How and Why this Blog exist.

Much of what has been written in our blog posts was compiled from random notes or made by both myself and my wife Dolly over the last few years. Moving forward more post will be made through this process. This process is required as my short term memory from my TBI in 2003 would make it difficult for me to recall much of the detail. This is why I write. It is helpful for me to to track the timeline of events in my life. If you know somebody with short term memory issues please encourage them to write a journal or Blog so they too may recall the events of their life through their writing and pictures.

A little time writing and pressing SAVE can bring memories alive again.

The Angel

I knew it when she touched me. A loving touch that was gentle yet firm and full of compassion. Her smile full of joy is infectious. Her simple yet direct way of caring for others comes natural. Without even trying she can make everything ugly look beautiful. Her love for the Lord is unwavering and her  walk is true. To be in her presence all this is apparent. And this is how I am blessed. For the Lord blessed me with this Angel to be my wife.

A man like myself may at times not be deserving of such a blessing. However the Lord has seen my heart and soul and has brought her into my life. She came to me asking for nothing. She only wanted to share her Joy with me and in doing so I found Joy in myself to share with her. This joy together has grown into a love that can not be denied. Nothing could be better than to share a life with an Angel and to worship our Lord and creator Jesus Christ together. To God be the Glory! Amen.

The Unseen Journey Continues

Today I met with the Super Doctor again. After another MRI and consult the procedure planned has become a more complex procedure. As my Doctor consults with his team I must prepare myself for a more invasive procedure. Sure this too shall pass but while in his exam room another issue was discovered. In a nut shell I have the two main trunk nerves in my shoulder being pressed on by a growing Cyst that was caused by trauma to my labrim in 2003. This of course is just 1 source of much of my pain. The plan is to decompress and remove the cyst which is burried beneath the muscle. Once this is done I will not regain the feeling lost to this shoulder and arm but I should achieve some pain relief.

The new issue discovered involves my cervicle spine. My Doctor will have me get a MRI after I recover from the procedure already scheduled for next week. This injury also causes me much pain and sleepless nights. I have grown tired of these needed procedures. I wish this was all just a dream. But it is my reality.

Im in the spot again. I feel like nobody understands. Most can not cope so they avoid. Im alone in this. It is my cross to carry. And im tired of carrying this cross. I just want to surrender. Now my faith is to be tested once again. And through Christ I shall gain the strength needed to overcome this challenge. I survive so I can tell my story and maybe just maybe a life will be saved. Please Dont drink or do drugs and drive.

The unseen disability.

Some people live with visible injuries. Although I live with both unseen and visible injuries that can be hidden by clothing.

It was 1 am July 17 2003 when I was struck by a drunk driver. Being hit standing by a SUV at 80 MPH was not my idea. But it happened. After 9 years and 22 operations and several attemps to return to work I had to make a decision. I have left work several times for orthopedic or emotional or neurological issues. Every time I recovered and felt well enough I would try to go back to work. A few years ago the time came for me to focus my time and energy on my relationship with Christ and my new family.  I will be having my 23rd operation next week. This time the Doctors are cutting torn tissue and bone spurs from my sternum and clavicle that were once crushed. My expected future similar operations over the years will include my shoulder, neck, knees, ankle and wrist along with periodic nerve blocks on my back.  Thankfully I have been blessed with the best doctors so all will go well.

Moving forward I feel the best way for me to be productive is for me to support my family in their own personal and or career goals. I would love to work full time myself but the time has come that I must accept the fact I am not the man I once was. No longer a CEO, a firefighter or a medic. Now I am a Soldier for Christ in training. What a true honor and blessing it is for me to become his student.

I wrote this blog for 2 reasons. Not to be self promoting or to get sympathy. I wrote this with the hope that maybe just maybe someone will read this and think twice before they drink and Drive. And for someone who may be facing challenges like my own so they will see that after a tragic injury their life still has meaning and purpose. Even if that purpose is nothing more than to love those around you. Surrender to Christ and receive his many blessings of forgiveness, love and eternal salvation.