When I wake do you see me? When I eat do you see me? My wife sees me wake with pain in my head and my entire body aches. My shoulder is often in huge pain as well as my back and legs. She offers me a gentle comforting touch as she knows there is no cure.
When I eat I eat slowly. I eat soft foods mostly and I chew my food very well. You see often when my food reaches my stomach it does not go into the stomach as I have esophageal stricture caused by scaring from years of oral pain medication use after my crash. The food will back up and by the time I notice it it's too late. My esophagus will go into spasm as I choke. This is extremely painful. I will run to a bathroom and go through a painful process of being sick and trying to stay calm. I put nitro tablets under my tongue in hopes they will stop the spasm and I can swallow the food that is stuck.
I have lived this nightmare of suffering for 13 years. The esophageal pain started 11 years ago and it gets worse over time. I have had my esophagus scoped 5 times to attempt to apply medication directly to the injury and to stretch the esophagus at the sphincter where it meets my stomach. The only medicine I can take to help keep the injury from being irritated from my own bodies acids is Prilosec. This is mildly effective.
My wife has had to endure the drama of watching me suffer through these experiences. I never get a full nights sleep due to my head pains and all my orthopedic pains that wake me with night sweats. I can go a week without choking and then it happens without warning. As I write this I want to be clear the Stanford Pain Management Clinic staff has done so much to help reduce my pains and they continue to treat me.
What you see when you look at me is me. But what you don't see is the pain I go thru each night and often when I eat or when I try to walk or stand for too long.
It is my faith that keeps me going. My wife being faithful and supportive and very understanding is truly a blessing from God. All I have to offer her in return is my love and support for her desires in this life. I wish I could do more. I know I'm smart enough. It's simply just that every day my physical ability and stamina are limited due to the traumatic injuries to my muscular skelital structure and my circulation and nervous systems, etc.
When you see me I smile, laugh, talk and even walk short distances. To the person who does not know me that may look normal. But to me that's a huge accomplishment compared to where I was 13 years ago July 17th 2003. I have come a long way. From non moving in bed, to a wheelchair, to bilateral crutches, to a cane. God has blessed me with good doctors and much healing. I am grateful for the blessings I have received to date. However I never stop praying for more pain relief.
I shared this so you may now better know about me today. Remember this. All of this could have been prevented had someone chose to not drink and do drugs and drive on July 17 2003 at 1:00 am. I would not have been hit and this blog would not exist.
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