Wishful Thinking

Ahh, three key factors in life we all may like to achieve and maintain. But for me I have made Health a priority. Without health it's hard to earn $ any significant wealth. 

In my new physical therapy program I have found some success but I have also been met with hard limitations that I have yet to overcome. 

I leave for a consult and preop at Stanford tomorrow. I have a radio frequency ablation procedure scheduled for my rt shoulder. One more shot at pain management. 

I continue to think of ways I may possibly be more productive on a regular bases. But when I test my ability to function for more than an hour In a capacity that would produce I find myself falling short physically. I consulted with several doctors on this and none of them can offer me a cure for it. All they offer is ways for me to manage my issues so I can be a little more comfortable. 

Productivity comes in many shapes and sizes. For now mine comes in a voice and my short writings.

Nobody Really Understands!

When you take miracles from spiritual healing to Natures healing remedies to modern medicines to surgical intervention the bottom line is nobody really understands how much it hurts or how repeat sickness just drags on and makes us feel weaker.  

Time passes by so fast and you do what you can for yourself and others. But when does it ever get back to normal? When does the pain end? When does sickness return to just a seasonal cold or just the rare flu? Or just a simple cut, bruise or sprain? 

What happened to the spark that drives ambition, desire and the satisfaction of accomplishment? Having the ability to physically and emotionally celebrate in those moments of joyful experiences alone or with others has been taken and replaced with one full time goal. To overcome, to heal and to find a cure for it all so you can do it all again. But time keeps passing by while the many attempts to find a cure, a fix and to heal keep on. 

So where do we find joy? In the actions of our friends and their success? In the actions of our Sisters, Brothers or Parents? Or do the actions of our Children and their happy moments become ours? 

Whatever or wherever we can find it we must grab every drop because that is the prize that keeps us all motivated to go on. 

I have watched the spark grow dim in others eyes who were challenged like me. I have watched over time as they gave up. I'm not sure what I'm suppose to gain from all this but whatever it is I sure hope it has a happy ending while I'm still around to enjoy it and my spark keeps firing. Because I'm not done yet. There has to be more for me to do here and share and enjoy. It's time for my next miracle. 

My thoughts. 

Respectfully,

Douglas J Christian

Next Chapter of Reality.

My life continues to be interesting. I had to laugh the other day when I had a simple procedure to relieve some shoulder pain and they issued me Purple socks. When I looked twice I noticed they say Posey on them. Of all things to give a guy you would think they could at least gives us manly socks to wear. 

On another topic my wife is selling healthy beverages and we have both benefited from drinking them as well as her profits. Meanwhile when not supporting my wife in her business I'm busy being supportive to my father and my sisters. It's been hard with Mom being gone now. Some how I'm becoming more and more involved in my sisters lives since Mom left. My kids are busy. The Oldest Daphne is committing to a 1 year engagement. I love her so and I just don't know how to feel about it yet. Her groom to be seems like a nice young man but I'm just on the fence. It's going to take some time for me to get comfortable with this because I'm just too darn old fashioned and I'm not ready to let her go yet. Now our sons are working away at their jobs and nothing seems to bother them. As long as they have days off to play their games and sleep in they are happy. 

My Mother has passed away.

On the morning of August 19th 2015 my mother passed away at the Age of 81 after a valiant fight with pulmonary fibrosis. She was married to my father for 56 years. I spent the better part of the last 8 months of her life taking care of her needs with the help of my Father, wife and daughter. The last week was spent providing 24 hour care as her strength left her quickly. I was honored to do this for her. 

Throughout my mothers battle I had an idea of how she was feeling being in a wheelchair and needing the help of others daily as I had spent two years living in a bed and wheelchair myself.

But she had a confirmed fatal disease. It was not something I could fix for her. So I did the best I could providing her the best care at home until her last breath. 

My mother lived a full life. As a reporter, a stewardess and the Wife of a CIA agent. She worked as a Teacher and Principal  over seas and later for 24 years in the Rincon Valley School district. She enjoyed more adventures over seas with her husband as he joined the State Dept and was stationed in Oman and Germany. 

My mother was a very loving and forgiving woman. Traditional in faith practices as a Lutheran and she was very active in her Church. 

If I was to try to describe my mother in one word it would have to be Love. She was my everything and I look forward to the day I join her in heaven for eternity. 

What you do not know about me today.

When I wake do you see me? When I eat do you see me? My wife sees me wake with pain in my head and my entire body aches. My shoulder is often in huge pain as well as my back and legs. She offers me a gentle comforting touch as she knows there is no cure. 

When I eat I eat slowly. I eat soft foods mostly and I chew my food very well. You see often when my food reaches my stomach it does not go into the stomach as I have esophageal stricture caused by scaring from years of oral pain medication use after my crash. The food will back up and by the time I notice it it's too late. My esophagus will go into spasm as I choke. This is extremely painful. I will run to a bathroom and go through a painful process of being sick and trying to stay calm. I put nitro tablets under my tongue in hopes they will stop the spasm and I can swallow the food that is stuck. 

I have lived this nightmare of suffering for 13 years. The esophageal pain started 11 years ago and it gets worse over time. I have had my esophagus scoped 5 times to attempt to apply medication directly to the injury and to stretch the esophagus at the sphincter where it meets my stomach. The only medicine I can take to help keep the injury from being irritated from my own bodies acids is Prilosec. This is mildly effective. 

My wife has had to endure the drama of watching me suffer through these experiences. I never get a full nights sleep due to my head pains and all my orthopedic pains that wake me with night sweats. I can go a week without choking and then it happens without warning. As I write this I want to be clear the Stanford Pain Management Clinic staff has done so much to help reduce my pains and they continue to treat me. 

What you see when you look at me is me. But what you don't see is the pain I go thru each night and often when I eat or when I try to walk or stand for too long.

It is my faith that keeps me going. My wife being faithful and supportive and very understanding is truly a blessing from God. All I have to offer her in return is my love and support for her desires in this life. I wish I could do more. I know I'm smart enough. It's simply just that every day my physical ability and stamina are limited due to the traumatic injuries to my muscular skelital structure and my circulation and nervous systems, etc.  

When you see me I smile, laugh, talk and even walk short distances. To the person who does not know me that may look normal. But to me that's a huge accomplishment compared to where I was 13 years ago July 17th 2003. I have come a long way. From non moving in bed, to a wheelchair, to bilateral crutches, to a cane. God has blessed me with good doctors and much healing. I am grateful for the blessings I have received to date. However I never stop praying for more pain relief. 

I shared this so you may now better know about me today. Remember this. All of this could have been prevented had someone chose to not drink and do drugs and drive on July 17 2003 at 1:00 am. I would not have been hit and this blog would not exist. 

The Daily Journey

The time seems to drag on as I continue searching for ways to reach my many goals daily. Just as I think I have reached a goal be it to overcome a specific health issue or a project I'm dedicated to accomplishing, I find myself reaching to achieve more. 

Recently I made a decision to simply reach my goals and when I do to not add onto them. I did this because I feel I have come to a point in my life where I have achieved the goals I desired to and the ones I am working on are more than enough to keep me busy for a while. 

When the day comes my current goals have been reached I will make no more outside of those to stay happy and healthy for a while. It's time for me to spend some quality time relaxing and enjoying the life I have and appreciating the goals I have already accomplished. Life is a journey and I need to remember to enjoy it more. 

Not what expected.

I expected more than I received. I had two procedures at Stanford. One with no relief that will require a different procedure with hopes of good relief but it will require more prayer and annual care plus personal attention to maintain positive results. 

The other procedure was successful but I learned yesterday it will require more minimally invasive procedures to maintain positive results over the years. The good news is I will finally have the relief I desired. That's a blessing.